Comparison is the death of contentment

I've been really tired today and I'm not sure why. I tried to nap but it didn't work. I have really been comparing myself today with the Udds and Feikerts and how their kids sit well at church, stand up, hold a hymn book, sing. I feel like a failure because Zeke wouldn't stand up and sing, and then Wade wandered down the aisle. And then I felt like Eric was being critical of me. He was up singing when Wade wandered and I didn't want to get up and grab Wade and cause a scene so I let a lady at the back of the church try to contain him but it didn't work and well I feel tired and defeated. I wanted to go to Neb City highschool graduation this afternoon but Eric & I were at odds, tired, scolding Zeke, eating leftovers for lunch. Where is Jesus. I know so many verses but how do I apply them in little situations that cut to my core. I am so afraid that Zeke won't love Jesus and that he will turn away from God and embrace evil and it will break my heart. He doesn't have faith. He wants proof. He doesn't want to believe what he can't see. It doesn't make sense to him and I've tried to explain. And yet, he right now is singing "stand up stand up for Jesus" and getting Wade to stand up and wrestle with him. I will end. I'm scared and sad. I wish I felt loved and I wish I had the energy I had when I was 20. I ache for the wasted years of my youth. Were they wasted? All I did was work and try to find a husband and eat and go to movies. And I'm sad because I know six graduates this year but I don't have any money to give to them as gifts. I already spend too much of Eric's money. Oh how much I wish I had an income that wouldn't interfere with raising my kids. And I wish I could raise my kids the way God would want me to. I wish I could hear his voice. My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me. So why Jesus don't I hear your voice. I've been crying this afternoon. Wade is going back and forth between veggie tale movies and the sit and spin and he wouldn't eat his mac and cheese. I bet he's hungry. But frozen pizza is coming for supper. oh boy.

Ramblings

My husband Eric is waiting for me to watch a movie with him. He has had a burning sensation in his skin and just several places and the doctor is stumped. I haven't been blogging, just, well, I don't know... a little of this and that. I have taken Makenna Vanderveen to school the last six days. Not a problem. She is a sweet girl and just next door. Well, not much to say right now. I'm still frustrated with Ruth Ann. Her facebook posts "I am a heterophobic" and "homosexuality is not a disease". I don't know what to do. I am convinced my words would either anger her or get no response so I will pray and pray and hope God helps me to help her. I thought she was a Christian but it doesn't seem she is. I am so sad but I try to just focus on my life and responsibilities. over and out.