I'm just going to type a short message to see if I can add a photo.

musings on a Sunday morning

Sometimes my mind is full and spills out. Sometimes I just sit and stare. It has been awhile since I typed anything. I was uncertain I wanted to continue with a blog. But my mind is spilling just now.

potty training. cold turkey? but furniture gets wet and I'm juggling many things in my life... (should I prepare music for the church service tonight?). How do I stay glued to my special needs six year old. School paras use pull ups for him and take him to the toilet about every 2 hours. I need to do the same. No excuses for forgetting. I'm hoping he will get it by the routine....but I fear early training makes him think he is supposed to pee in the diaper. I trained the dog to pee outside when he was just a few months old. I wish I'd done infant training with Wade.... here's where you pee Wade... in the toilet. But he didn't walk til he was 3.
How to change old habits. Sigh. In my own life too with my poor cooking. Oh you've got to have high frucoste corn syrup on pancakes and french toast made with enriched wheat bread and from eggs whose chickens' were probably not free range.

School will be here soon. Only 4 weeks to go. I will miss my boys but my mind is making a list of all the things I can do when I don't have my kids with me. Drive to Omaha and try on clothes. Babysit for a homeschool mom or two for one day so they can get out. Ah maybe even go to a movie by myself? Don't know. Finally get the house organized. Lose some weight. Walk, swim, visit the shut-ins. Some of this I could do with Zeke but Wade won't sit still long for me. Maybe someday.

I realized yesterday that I had gotten into a negative comparison tearful worrying whining bad habit. I decided to close my mouth and start thinking. I want to see when the good comes. I want to be looking for it. I want to see the good in each situation. To be thankful... hopeful... The picnic table sitting in our yard, the flowering Rose of Sharon bush, the little tray in the bathroom that holds my makeup. The fact that I was able to make french toast with hands that aren't paralyzed. The fact that tho I've had 9 surgeries in 3 years, I AM alive and for the most part I was not embarrassed or hurt..... The joy of getting up early for once and taking care of the cats, laundry, myself/shower in the basement and back upstairs, still time to lie down in my cozy bed in a still quiet house for a few minutes before I hear the kids stirring.

Oh God you are my God, and I will ever praise you. And I will seek you in the morning. And I will learn to walk in your ways. And step by step you'll lead me and I will follow you all of my days.

Comparison is the death of contentment

I've been really tired today and I'm not sure why. I tried to nap but it didn't work. I have really been comparing myself today with the Udds and Feikerts and how their kids sit well at church, stand up, hold a hymn book, sing. I feel like a failure because Zeke wouldn't stand up and sing, and then Wade wandered down the aisle. And then I felt like Eric was being critical of me. He was up singing when Wade wandered and I didn't want to get up and grab Wade and cause a scene so I let a lady at the back of the church try to contain him but it didn't work and well I feel tired and defeated. I wanted to go to Neb City highschool graduation this afternoon but Eric & I were at odds, tired, scolding Zeke, eating leftovers for lunch. Where is Jesus. I know so many verses but how do I apply them in little situations that cut to my core. I am so afraid that Zeke won't love Jesus and that he will turn away from God and embrace evil and it will break my heart. He doesn't have faith. He wants proof. He doesn't want to believe what he can't see. It doesn't make sense to him and I've tried to explain. And yet, he right now is singing "stand up stand up for Jesus" and getting Wade to stand up and wrestle with him. I will end. I'm scared and sad. I wish I felt loved and I wish I had the energy I had when I was 20. I ache for the wasted years of my youth. Were they wasted? All I did was work and try to find a husband and eat and go to movies. And I'm sad because I know six graduates this year but I don't have any money to give to them as gifts. I already spend too much of Eric's money. Oh how much I wish I had an income that wouldn't interfere with raising my kids. And I wish I could raise my kids the way God would want me to. I wish I could hear his voice. My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me. So why Jesus don't I hear your voice. I've been crying this afternoon. Wade is going back and forth between veggie tale movies and the sit and spin and he wouldn't eat his mac and cheese. I bet he's hungry. But frozen pizza is coming for supper. oh boy.

Ramblings

My husband Eric is waiting for me to watch a movie with him. He has had a burning sensation in his skin and just several places and the doctor is stumped. I haven't been blogging, just, well, I don't know... a little of this and that. I have taken Makenna Vanderveen to school the last six days. Not a problem. She is a sweet girl and just next door. Well, not much to say right now. I'm still frustrated with Ruth Ann. Her facebook posts "I am a heterophobic" and "homosexuality is not a disease". I don't know what to do. I am convinced my words would either anger her or get no response so I will pray and pray and hope God helps me to help her. I thought she was a Christian but it doesn't seem she is. I am so sad but I try to just focus on my life and responsibilities. over and out.

Organizing

Sad really, how much of my life has been spent organizing my possessions and figuring out what to keep and what to toss. I hope to teach Zeke to not have so much baggage. I have some precious things but then other things I should have thrown away a long time ago but then again... nostalgia.
Wade was crying real tears when I left him at school this morning. It is hard not knowing what is wrong. Not every day is like this so there has to be a reason but I don't know what it is. The aide takes him and he cries most of the way down the hall and I just have to leave and go do errands or go home and try not to spend any money that I don't have.
I did pray quickly with Zeke before he hopped out of the van and we said "I love you" to each other and that is nice. very nice.
Sometimes I wish I could earn money but the kids get sick sometimes at school and I have to go get them.... and I want to be available to go on their field trips and what would I do with them in the summertime if I had a job? I know there are warehouse type daycare places. I hope I never have to use them. Besides, Wade will always need an adult one-on-one. But it would be nice to feel safe with my own bank account even if it isn't much money. Sometimes I don't like leaning on Eric for all my money but most of the time I'm glad he is generous.
All for now - need to go sew patches on Zeke's scout shirt.
But I did get somewhat of a handle on all the skads of photos I have that I don't have labeled or protected or organized. I labeled some albums and put them in a box, spines showing. I'm going to try to do each school year of pictures for Zeke to look at. But still it's hard. I take SO many pictures.

Ruth Ann and the EE questions

A friend asked me if my niece Ruth Ann is saved. That was after I stressed about Ruth Ann posting a comment on facebook trying to encourage people to fight for gay rights. I have been so sad and disappointed realizing that she might not be a Christian like I had thought. And I so want her to be safe... saved.
The friend said, ask her the two EE questions and I thought, yes, I should. They are:

"Have you come to a place in your spiritual life, where you can say you know for certain, that if you were to die tonight you would go to heaven?"

"If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to say 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' What would you say to Him?"

In response to the first question a person can say yes or no.
In response to the second question the person will have some form of faith response or some form of works response. There are 4 possibilities of people here.
yes - works (I will go to heaven because I've done good things)
yes - faith (I will go to heaven because of Jesus' death for me)
no - works (I don't know if I will go to heaven but I've done a lot of good things)
no - faith (I'm not sure I will go to heaven but I think it's because of Jesus)

In the 2nd and 4th incidences you have Christians but the one needs reassurance as in 1 John 5:13 these things were written that you might KNOW that you have eternal life... and John 10 my sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me, and other places.

In the 1st and 3rd responses you have non-Christians and need to show them that works can't save them.

Thankful for Certain School Teachers

I am so thankful for Mrs. Norma Barnard and Mrs. Kim Ashlock, the teachers that Zeke had last year at school in first grade and how great they were for him and continue to be. Mrs. Barnard told me it takes a lot of positives to outweigh a negative and that Zeke will see himself through my eyes. I will always remember the way she would find me when I was volunteering at school and tell me something good Zeke had just said or done. Also the way she had the kids reading with flashlights in a darkened hallway and also the way I saw her gently pull Zeke's chin back to center on his book, when he was distracted by something in her cubicle. And I praise Mrs. Ashlock for letting me be a part of her room so I could understand what school was like. And sometimes she'd chat and tell me things about the kids in private and trusted me to be confidential... but it was only one or two things.
This year wasn't as good. Mrs. Benson was negative and after awhile I spoke up via e-mail in defense, and it just made it worse. But now she is on maternity leave and I'm just waiting for the year to be over... and hoping I can be included on the spring field trip... or I will follow the buses and wait outside! ha.
I'm so glad I don't have to be employed right now. I'm glad we are making it on Eric's income... at least for now.
This year Mrs. Renee Nuss has been wonderful with the 11 2nd grader kids she has kept after school teaching them computer skills twice a month. I heard her call to Zeke at Walmart "Hey Zeke-man" He liked that and I thought it was cool. Much more grown up than what I call my boys: Zeker-doo and Sugar-boo for Wade.