I'm just going to type a short message to see if I can add a photo.

musings on a Sunday morning

Sometimes my mind is full and spills out. Sometimes I just sit and stare. It has been awhile since I typed anything. I was uncertain I wanted to continue with a blog. But my mind is spilling just now.

potty training. cold turkey? but furniture gets wet and I'm juggling many things in my life... (should I prepare music for the church service tonight?). How do I stay glued to my special needs six year old. School paras use pull ups for him and take him to the toilet about every 2 hours. I need to do the same. No excuses for forgetting. I'm hoping he will get it by the routine....but I fear early training makes him think he is supposed to pee in the diaper. I trained the dog to pee outside when he was just a few months old. I wish I'd done infant training with Wade.... here's where you pee Wade... in the toilet. But he didn't walk til he was 3.
How to change old habits. Sigh. In my own life too with my poor cooking. Oh you've got to have high frucoste corn syrup on pancakes and french toast made with enriched wheat bread and from eggs whose chickens' were probably not free range.

School will be here soon. Only 4 weeks to go. I will miss my boys but my mind is making a list of all the things I can do when I don't have my kids with me. Drive to Omaha and try on clothes. Babysit for a homeschool mom or two for one day so they can get out. Ah maybe even go to a movie by myself? Don't know. Finally get the house organized. Lose some weight. Walk, swim, visit the shut-ins. Some of this I could do with Zeke but Wade won't sit still long for me. Maybe someday.

I realized yesterday that I had gotten into a negative comparison tearful worrying whining bad habit. I decided to close my mouth and start thinking. I want to see when the good comes. I want to be looking for it. I want to see the good in each situation. To be thankful... hopeful... The picnic table sitting in our yard, the flowering Rose of Sharon bush, the little tray in the bathroom that holds my makeup. The fact that I was able to make french toast with hands that aren't paralyzed. The fact that tho I've had 9 surgeries in 3 years, I AM alive and for the most part I was not embarrassed or hurt..... The joy of getting up early for once and taking care of the cats, laundry, myself/shower in the basement and back upstairs, still time to lie down in my cozy bed in a still quiet house for a few minutes before I hear the kids stirring.

Oh God you are my God, and I will ever praise you. And I will seek you in the morning. And I will learn to walk in your ways. And step by step you'll lead me and I will follow you all of my days.

Comparison is the death of contentment

I've been really tired today and I'm not sure why. I tried to nap but it didn't work. I have really been comparing myself today with the Udds and Feikerts and how their kids sit well at church, stand up, hold a hymn book, sing. I feel like a failure because Zeke wouldn't stand up and sing, and then Wade wandered down the aisle. And then I felt like Eric was being critical of me. He was up singing when Wade wandered and I didn't want to get up and grab Wade and cause a scene so I let a lady at the back of the church try to contain him but it didn't work and well I feel tired and defeated. I wanted to go to Neb City highschool graduation this afternoon but Eric & I were at odds, tired, scolding Zeke, eating leftovers for lunch. Where is Jesus. I know so many verses but how do I apply them in little situations that cut to my core. I am so afraid that Zeke won't love Jesus and that he will turn away from God and embrace evil and it will break my heart. He doesn't have faith. He wants proof. He doesn't want to believe what he can't see. It doesn't make sense to him and I've tried to explain. And yet, he right now is singing "stand up stand up for Jesus" and getting Wade to stand up and wrestle with him. I will end. I'm scared and sad. I wish I felt loved and I wish I had the energy I had when I was 20. I ache for the wasted years of my youth. Were they wasted? All I did was work and try to find a husband and eat and go to movies. And I'm sad because I know six graduates this year but I don't have any money to give to them as gifts. I already spend too much of Eric's money. Oh how much I wish I had an income that wouldn't interfere with raising my kids. And I wish I could raise my kids the way God would want me to. I wish I could hear his voice. My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me. So why Jesus don't I hear your voice. I've been crying this afternoon. Wade is going back and forth between veggie tale movies and the sit and spin and he wouldn't eat his mac and cheese. I bet he's hungry. But frozen pizza is coming for supper. oh boy.

Ramblings

My husband Eric is waiting for me to watch a movie with him. He has had a burning sensation in his skin and just several places and the doctor is stumped. I haven't been blogging, just, well, I don't know... a little of this and that. I have taken Makenna Vanderveen to school the last six days. Not a problem. She is a sweet girl and just next door. Well, not much to say right now. I'm still frustrated with Ruth Ann. Her facebook posts "I am a heterophobic" and "homosexuality is not a disease". I don't know what to do. I am convinced my words would either anger her or get no response so I will pray and pray and hope God helps me to help her. I thought she was a Christian but it doesn't seem she is. I am so sad but I try to just focus on my life and responsibilities. over and out.

Organizing

Sad really, how much of my life has been spent organizing my possessions and figuring out what to keep and what to toss. I hope to teach Zeke to not have so much baggage. I have some precious things but then other things I should have thrown away a long time ago but then again... nostalgia.
Wade was crying real tears when I left him at school this morning. It is hard not knowing what is wrong. Not every day is like this so there has to be a reason but I don't know what it is. The aide takes him and he cries most of the way down the hall and I just have to leave and go do errands or go home and try not to spend any money that I don't have.
I did pray quickly with Zeke before he hopped out of the van and we said "I love you" to each other and that is nice. very nice.
Sometimes I wish I could earn money but the kids get sick sometimes at school and I have to go get them.... and I want to be available to go on their field trips and what would I do with them in the summertime if I had a job? I know there are warehouse type daycare places. I hope I never have to use them. Besides, Wade will always need an adult one-on-one. But it would be nice to feel safe with my own bank account even if it isn't much money. Sometimes I don't like leaning on Eric for all my money but most of the time I'm glad he is generous.
All for now - need to go sew patches on Zeke's scout shirt.
But I did get somewhat of a handle on all the skads of photos I have that I don't have labeled or protected or organized. I labeled some albums and put them in a box, spines showing. I'm going to try to do each school year of pictures for Zeke to look at. But still it's hard. I take SO many pictures.

Ruth Ann and the EE questions

A friend asked me if my niece Ruth Ann is saved. That was after I stressed about Ruth Ann posting a comment on facebook trying to encourage people to fight for gay rights. I have been so sad and disappointed realizing that she might not be a Christian like I had thought. And I so want her to be safe... saved.
The friend said, ask her the two EE questions and I thought, yes, I should. They are:

"Have you come to a place in your spiritual life, where you can say you know for certain, that if you were to die tonight you would go to heaven?"

"If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to say 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' What would you say to Him?"

In response to the first question a person can say yes or no.
In response to the second question the person will have some form of faith response or some form of works response. There are 4 possibilities of people here.
yes - works (I will go to heaven because I've done good things)
yes - faith (I will go to heaven because of Jesus' death for me)
no - works (I don't know if I will go to heaven but I've done a lot of good things)
no - faith (I'm not sure I will go to heaven but I think it's because of Jesus)

In the 2nd and 4th incidences you have Christians but the one needs reassurance as in 1 John 5:13 these things were written that you might KNOW that you have eternal life... and John 10 my sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me, and other places.

In the 1st and 3rd responses you have non-Christians and need to show them that works can't save them.

Thankful for Certain School Teachers

I am so thankful for Mrs. Norma Barnard and Mrs. Kim Ashlock, the teachers that Zeke had last year at school in first grade and how great they were for him and continue to be. Mrs. Barnard told me it takes a lot of positives to outweigh a negative and that Zeke will see himself through my eyes. I will always remember the way she would find me when I was volunteering at school and tell me something good Zeke had just said or done. Also the way she had the kids reading with flashlights in a darkened hallway and also the way I saw her gently pull Zeke's chin back to center on his book, when he was distracted by something in her cubicle. And I praise Mrs. Ashlock for letting me be a part of her room so I could understand what school was like. And sometimes she'd chat and tell me things about the kids in private and trusted me to be confidential... but it was only one or two things.
This year wasn't as good. Mrs. Benson was negative and after awhile I spoke up via e-mail in defense, and it just made it worse. But now she is on maternity leave and I'm just waiting for the year to be over... and hoping I can be included on the spring field trip... or I will follow the buses and wait outside! ha.
I'm so glad I don't have to be employed right now. I'm glad we are making it on Eric's income... at least for now.
This year Mrs. Renee Nuss has been wonderful with the 11 2nd grader kids she has kept after school teaching them computer skills twice a month. I heard her call to Zeke at Walmart "Hey Zeke-man" He liked that and I thought it was cool. Much more grown up than what I call my boys: Zeker-doo and Sugar-boo for Wade.

Advice in raising godly kids

I want to remember the advice I've received and thoughts I've had to try to ensure that Zeke and Wade will grow up right loving God.
1. Do your best to ensure their salvation by sharing the gospel with them and get them saved. (Terri S) What I've done so far is the Jack Chick tract "One Way" which I love because it is wordless with great drawings. Also the bridge illustration I have shared not in it's entirety, but briefly, with several girls at Awanas.
2. Share Bible verses with them on homosexuality and abortion and other issues so they will be politically savy and know what they believe. (Terri S)
3. Share verses on self-esteem like Psalm 139. Make sure you look for good in them and praise them. (my thoughts)
4. Surround them with godly people who are also walking with God and encouraging them. (Annette, Cindy D.)
And here I'd like to list the women at church who have helped Zeke learn and love Jesus: Susan Abrahams, Amy Udd, Cindy Patton, Sue Shaffer, Susan Hunt, Carolyn Teten, Virginia Duncan, Rose Guhde, Ruth Joy, Kelly Moore, Katie Teten, Anna Andrew.
5. Pray with them in the car before school and at bedtime. (my thoughts)
6. Have them memorize Bible verses because God has promised that his alive Word will speak and guide and not return empty. (my thoughts)
7. Teach them good manners and character and model it too.
8. Don't ever assume that a child will just know, emulate, arrive, "get there." because I've "done my best" or "taken them to church"..... I need to TEACH. INSTRUCT. MODEL, PRAY, and sometimes apologize.
9. Food and cooking and nutrition are so important. My lack of knowledge and ability in these I feel caused me to marry late.. because I was shy and overweight? (but also just couldn't find the right guy for a long time), spend too much money on fast food and then health clubs and diet centers, caused me to have gestational diabetes which led to difficult delivery because my doctor insisted on inducing my labor with Zeke (I fought for the right to go into labor on my own with Wade but I was assured it was safe), and also eventually breast cancer. But that's just my speculation.
------------------------behavior
I'm contemplating what to do about Wade when he drops down and doesn't want to walk.....use a stroller? or when he screams....is he scared? How do I make him do the right thing especially at doctors' offices. Will it get better as he gets older? I don't know his "mental age" (I hate those words). I know he understands way far more than he can express. I'm thinking about M&M rewards in my pocket for good behavior. I hate the thought of showing him a spatula to cease bad behavior, especially if he's scared. I almost did a blanket apology to the waiting room of the radiology center yesterday. There were 5 other adults listening to him scream. I honestly don't know what was wrong. Tired or scared or not liking what was happening I guess. Maybe I should have explained to him what we were doing. I thought I did. I shouldn't have assumed he wouldn't understand my words.
Ok - over and out - got to go do stuff in the house.... clean and organize.

I love music

I love music. The way a song can make you laugh, smile, cry, take your breath away. I just heard three songs back to back that I sat in the car with and smiled, cried and tapped my toes and danced a bit.
"Make me Smile" by Chicago "I'm so happy. That you love me..... Tell me you will stay. Make me smile."
"Isn't she Lovely?" sung by Stevie Wonder. The lyrics are so sweet. "Isn't she lovely? Less than three minutes old.....I can't believe what God has done, through our love he's given life to one."
and
"You make my dreams come true" Hall and Oates. So hard not to tap your toe to that one.
I guess I must have had an oldie station on but definitely a goodie station :-)
It is rainy today. I like rain. Maybe because I don't like to squint my eyes and I don't like to get sunburnt. I picture all the birds and squirrels cuddling in their nests as the rain trickles around them.

Don't Worry. Pray.

One disadvantage to computers is that my entry just now "crashed" before I could post it. I was trying to look up some song lyrics on another incidence of the internet and then both crashed. Sigh. I was just trying to express how I wish I could quit worrying about my boys and trust God to help me raise them right. I'm looking forward to summer and hoping to get some quality time with them to teach them to obey me and fear God.

Here is the original post that I thought I had lost:
I wish I could calm down and not worry. I wish I knew just the right words and the right way to love and nuture and counsel Zeke so that he would be resilient when a girl at school says "I wish you were dead." I want him to know that life is bigger than any of these little problems and that God has a wonderful plan up ahead for his life. I so much want Zeke to "Fear God and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man." I so much don't want my boys to be in the public school system. But I must submit to my husband who thinks it is best. Right now the boys are doing ok... Wade is getting a lot of instruction and love... but a lot of it still needs to come from me. There were some hard times in Zeke's class this year with the teacher and his not wanting to read....I so much want school to be over. I so much want to take my boys off somewhere and teach them wonderful things with no phones and no neighbors and no t.v. and no interference and just watch my boys bloom and grow.

I like this song that Larnell Harris sings: "The Strength Of The Lord"
Sometimes life seems like words and music that can't quite become a song. So we cry inside, and we try it again and wonder what could be wrong. But, when we turn to the Lord at the end of ourselves like we've done a time or two before, we find His truth is the same as it always has been, we'll never need more.

Chorus:
It's not in trying but in trusting, It's not in running but in resting
Not in wondering but in praying, that we find the strength of the Lord

He's all we need, for our every need, we never need be alone
Still He'll let us go if we choose to, to live life on our own
Then the only good that will ever be said, of the pains we find ourselves in
There are places to gain, the wisdom to say 'I'll never leave Him again.'

Chorus (2 times)
Not in wondering But in praying, That we find the strength of the Lord.
----------
One positive note was in talking to Annette and my Mom on the phone today and discovering that my Mom no longer thinks abortion is ok in cases of rape and incest. She had felt previously that it could be allowed because it would be traumatic for a woman to carry such a baby to term....but now sees that people would want to adopt those babies. And Annette, bless her heart for being so encouraging on the phone. I must remember to pray for her children too... all ten of them.
-----------------
And oh, I sure like Wade's surgeon. What a nice man. Dr. Shahib? Abdessalam. He called me on the phone just now with some further results - possible scar tissue showed up on this repeat x-ray but we are going to wait six months for a re-take of the x-ray and look at it then. And he laughed with me when I said Dr. Vasa thought the shadow on Wade's first x-ray was "just an incidental finding". He didn't see that it was serious.

Behavior and Convictions

Today I took Wade to Omaha for his post-surgery follow-up appointment and x-ray to see if everything is where it should be - heart and lungs filling the chest back up, diaphram closed, intestine staying down. All ok. But Wade screamed, refused to walk the whole time and wanted carried but he's too heavy for me. I question whether I have failed him. Eric tells me I need to be more firm. Last night Wade woke up at 3am hungry because he hadn't liked supper and I had put him to bed at 7pm. I fed him and spent an hour and a half trying to get him to fall back to sleep and then Eric took over and got him back to sleep quickly. "He's got to know you mean it." Eric says. Sigh. I think I've done a lot right for Wade. I'm the one who has taught him some signs tho I need to learn more and I'm the one who asked for an x-ray and found the hernia. But.... I honestly don't know whether to reward good behavior, punish bad behavior and what does he understand. Do you spank a child who is scared? Do you spank a child who doesn't like broccoli or the casserole you've made? I hope I can survive these days without tears and see ahead that my boys will really grow up to love Jesus and have convictions. Several of my friends have grown children who aren't walking with God and I know that they taught and prayed and I've wondered what they did wrong. One friend says she wished that she'd surrounded her kids with more godly influence of others. Well, I do see that church and Awanas has been great for Zeke. He prayed before supper when his Grandparents were here "Dear Jesus, thank you for this food and for dying for our sins and rising again from the grave. Amen." I was thrilled. Now I need to teach him purity and that marriage should not be re-defined and.... so many other things. Yeah, I know.. he's only eight. But a new school next fall and I worry what he will hear and experience when I can't see it or protect him. I must teach him to stand up for what is right. And to know what is right. Help me God. Help us to enjoy the summer memorizing verses and jogging and not in front of the t.v.

April, May and Summer Plans

Here is an overview....
Magnolia trees, fruit tree blossoms and tulips are a plenty.
I'm trying to learn sign language. I'm doing it online.

Wade just had a diaphragm hernia repair on April 7th. It was a surprise discovery from an x-ray looking for intestinal blockage... but that wasn't the problem. Instead, part of his transverse colon had squeezed up into his chest through a hole in his diaphragm! Probably he'd been this way since birth and he's 6.5 years old. ugh.

There are only six weeks of school left.

Eric and his mom and sister are flying to Juneau, Alaska, May 1st to see brother Mike retire from the coast guard.

I have to have cataract surgery this summer.

Neighbor girls Makenna V. and Nikki W. come over to play often.

I like to watch American Idol and Dancing with the Stars but will be glad when they are over so I am not t.v. obsessed.

Awanas will be over soon. Zeke will win an award for completing all 3 Sparks books the past 3 years. Zeke has also done Scouts for two years. It was hard to keep up and complete all the accomplishments in the book.

I have been delivering meals on wheels once a week. Last week I dropped two meals. Ugh. Ronda J. has helped me a few times.

I am trying to get Zeke to love God, memorize Bible verses that will give him convictions, and to be a happy quick reader. He loves swimming and building and designing... and perhaps cartoons on t.v. a bit too much.

Wade loves veggie tale movies but I want so much more for him. I want him to write his name and color and initiate more activities that he enjoys... and of course to communicate better. It would be great if he could play soccer or some other sport someday.

I hope to spend lots of time with my mom this summer, letting the boys run around outside in the country. I hope to get lots of walking and exercise too.

A beautiful sunny day in April

I have joined the world of bloggers. I love to type. I love pictures. I want my boys to remember me and know what their childhood was all about.